What do you think ?

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learing to dance in the rain and loving it. Go not where the path may lead go instead where there is no path and leave a trail " Ralph Emerson "

Monday, October 4, 2010

How Divorce effect children

It is unfortunate, but it is true: when a couple is going through a
divorce, the children are often the ones most affected, and are often the
ones that are given the least amount of attention. Children can be severely
traumatized by divorce, especially if the divorce is a nasty one, and/or if
there is a prolonged or an intense custody battle.
Children who go through a divorce often face issues with self esteem. They
may believe that they themselves caused the divorce, or that they did
something wrong that made mommy and/or daddy want to not be with them.
In a divorce, children are also affected in the area of security. Fears
that both parents will abandon the child are common, as are fears about what
will happen to them next. In addition, the absence of one of their parents
can make the child feel extremely lonely.
A divorce affects a familys structure and operating procedures. In some
cases, a divorce will mean that a child literally loses a parent, only to
see them once or twice in a year, or even less. This can also cause a child
to lose contact with the family of the non-custodial parent, as the child
may be less and less likely to see those grandparents, uncles, aunts, or
cousins. Basic logistics, such as holidays, birthday parties, and school
activities are also affected by a divorce.
Some of the ways that a child who has been affected by a divorce might
express these difficulties can include:
– large amounts of anger, directed both toward others and themselves
– frequent breaking of rules
– drug and/or alcohol abuse
– destructive behavior
– frequent guilt
– problems with defiance
– increasing isolation or withdrawl from friends and family
– thoughts of suicide or violence
– increased or early sexual activity
– a failure to acknowledge responsibility
Some children are affected more by divorce than others. However, all
children will be affected by a divorce. The things that parents do and
dont do will greatly impact exactly how much a child is affected by the
divorce. In addition, the childs gender, age, psychological health, and
maturity will also all affect how a divorce impacts a child.
Divorce will not be easy for a parent; but a parent is a grown adult who
has (hopefully) mastered coping skills. Children, on the other hand, are
not necessarily as prepared as an adult in this regard. If you are going
through a divorce and have children, you need to make the way that the
divorce affects them your top priority.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Divorce can be scary

Going through a divorce is probably one of the most gut-wrenching experiences a person can go through. One of the hardest realizations that divorcing people have is accepting that the person they once shared their hopes and dreams with has now become an adversary. The manner in which both parties confront their differences greatly impacts the intensity of their adjustment and the difficulties they will face going forward. This article has been designed to highlight important steps you can take to make a significant difference in your adjustment to your divorce.
  1. Grieve and vent as much as you need to, but then take the time to learn from what you have been through. The divorce involves two people, so it is important to honestly appraise your role in the break-up; rather than solely and narrow-mindedly blaming your spouse. The more you explore the reasons and issues that compromised your marriage, the more you will learn about yourself. The insights that you gain should pay huge dividends as you go forward in your life.
  2. Reach out to trusted friends and loved ones. These are the ones who will sustain you through this tough time. However, make sure to treat these relationships with care. These people are not obligated to be there for you. They want to be there for you. Show your appreciation by paying close attention to their needs as well, and do not take advantage.Your loved ones will readily show their support if you are considerate of their feelings and schedules. Make sure to ask regularly about what’s going on with them! While no one expects you to put on a “happy face” during this time, be careful of being so negative that your loved ones dread your call.
  3. Focus on your children’s needs as much as your own. They did not ask to have their lives turned upside down. Be sensitive to the impact that the divorce will have on their lives. Even though you are in tremendous pain, do your best to maintain the continuity and structure of your children’s routines. We understand that you will need to vent and cry. Try to do your grieving when the kids are not with you, so that you can be as emotionally available to them as you can.

Saturday, September 11, 2010


Age at marriage for those who divorce in America According to DivorceRate.org

Age                        Women /Men

Under 20 years old  27.6%    11.7%

20 to 24 years old  36.6%   38.8%

25 to 29 years old  16.4%   22.3%

30 to 34 years old  8.5%     11.6%

35 to 39 years old  5.1%      6.5%

The following statement about the divorce rates in America reveals all the details about distribution. According to enrichment journal on the divorce rates in America, the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%; the divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%; the divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%. According to discovery channel, couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples. Sociologists believe that childlessness is also a common cause of divorce. The absence of children leads to loneliness and weariness and even in the United States; at least 66 per cent of all divorced couples are childless. According to some experts, however, divorce rates tend to go down primarily because more couples live together without marrying. Other researchers have documented what they call “the divorce divide,” contending that divorce rates are indeed falling substantively among college-educated couples but not among less-affluent, less-educated couples.

The divorce rate in America is more than 50%, which means one in two couples will break up. Why it is so high. What is the real reason for them to divorce? I think we should look for the answer from the American belief. Freedom is one of the most important beliefs for America and nothing can replace it besides love. When they married, they don’t run for long love. If they think the love and family can’t offer their happiness and safety, they would choose to divorce. They wouldn’t think more about the family or the children because they take themselves as the center. That means they love freedom not stability. Their dreams are running for their own blessedness.

As the divorce rates in America rises, bad effects do happen on the children who are use to growing up with both parents. When both parents raise a child, the child is learning different things from each parent. The child is also developing its own personality by getting traits from each parent. When divorce leads one parent to leave the household, it has a huge effect on the children. Both parents need to continue to play an important role in the child’s life. When a parent leaves the household, this can make the child withdraw and feel unwanted. It can affect their schoolwork, social skills, and their activities. They may act out in different ways, to show you they are not happy with this change in their life. It may also affect the child when the child becomes an adult. When the child becomes a parent, they may think it is not important for their child to have both parents involved in their life.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Is marriage passe? After all, over sixty percent of them in the United States alone end in divorce?
I think not. Despite the discouraging statistics in these modern times, couples continue to marry and remarry, trying again and again to get it right. But what goes wrong?
It seems there has been an evolution in marriage that has taken place and most people don't have a clue that it has happened. They are busy trying to carry on in their daily lives in this ever changing world and when  the world crashes down around them they fall apart .
We have moved from a time when marriage was important just for our sheer survival and from there we moved into marriages of convenience.These were arranged marriages, from the poorest of society to the highest bred. Now we marry for dare i say it love . How do we get divorce to cease from happening when we know we want marriage? We must. Remember, we keep trying for the brass ring of marriage over and over but why ?  I cannot tell you how many times in my practice I have heard the romance went out of my marriage. It is the ecstatic "high" you feel when you first fall in love dare I say it sex or  the euphoria feeling ?

There are Three stages to a marriage.

Stage one is what I called the fantasy stage. This stage goes something like this: "Oh, we have found each other and it is so grand, so ecstatic! We can live together forever as one. Whatever happens, we can handle it, together."
Stage two of a marriage is what I call the counter dependent stage. This is the stage where suddenly you cannot tolerate the way he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle of the tube, or burps when he pushes his chair away from the table (signaling his meal is finished and you get the honor of cleaning up after him). Or, he cannot believe this shrew yelling at him as he walks away is the same sweet little thing who just a few months prior couldn't wait to show him what a great cook, wife, and everything else he ever wanted her to be. She doesn't even come close to offering to rub his back every night anymore!
God, she's just like my mother or Father  I cant stand being around him sometimes ," I hear. "I swore I did everything I could to avoid getting hooked up with one like that.
Stage Three here is where marriage counselling, if it is to take place, will show solid success. Here is where compromise and negotiation take place . This is the stage you unwittingly got married for in the first place. Is it worth all the effort of having to work through the other stages? You bet. Here is the stage of autonomy, of independence.  Most marriages end in stage two.

Commitment is the ONLY WAY you can move to stage three . Most couples these days never reach stage three they get divorced or separate in stage two sadly to say and then they try again with some one else .Want most people don't understand is that you will go through the same stages with the next person all your doing is trading in one model for the next . It could be a better model or it could be worse unfortunately most people tend to look at the same model in a different package.   

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

quotes to live by

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner

A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. ~Anne Taylor Fleming

If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Sunday, August 29, 2010

What I think is the number one reason people divorce

As a mediator I get to hear both sides of the story his and yours and some where in the middle is the truth. People do not really listen to there spouse its always about what he or she did to me . Let me add I have been a Family mediator for 16 years and have been married for 20 and it is hard work . But the real reason people divorce these days is financial and lack of communication . Almost all of the Divorce Mediation's I do are having financial difficulty could be the economic down turn of this century . They have lost their jobs, homes , cars and sense of security and instead of working together to get through this tough time they pull apart and blame the other person. In the past people did not have  allot of  money or the life styles that we have today so they expected that life was just hard and worked through it . Today we are  all about the now and having the American dream . We want what we cant have the big house and fancy cars and are willing to pay for it on credit to get it . We are the I want it now generation.